attunement+ trust+ non-force

When we planned to have a baby, I didn’t know what type of parent I would be, but I knew one thing: I was not going to pass down to my little guy the things I struggled with in adult life. My son would always know that he is safe by my side — and safe when he is on his own.

I didn’t come in with a rigid idea of how to parent. I just knew how I would want to be treated. Although babies have no conscious memory of this time, these years are quietly building their entire sense of self and attachment. I am shaping his attachment style, and I feel this developing naturally. I knew I was going to be a very present parent, a very attuned parent, and open to the idea that I have everything to learn from my little one.

I allow him to lead me to what he needs from me — and I come in when he does not yet know. We work together to make each other feel full. He gives me so much happiness, and our greatest blessing is learning to read each other while I remain a safe, steady, and supportive presence for him.

My son and I are both Tauruses — and even astrologically, I see how much he values safety, autonomy, and slow observation. Like me, he can be reserved at first when there are others in the room. He takes time to observe, to understand how he fits into the space. He isn’t fully himself until he feels safe enough to be.

He loves his independence, but also loves knowing I am nearby — available for a kiss, a hug, or a moment of reassurance. He explores fearlessly because he knows I am there if he needs me. I allow him to figure things out on his own, even if that means watching him struggle or get frustrated for a moment. I’ve learned that I don’t teach him by immediately stepping in to fix things.

Since he was born, I told myself and everyone: he is not going to cry it out. If he is crying, there is a reason — and we will figure it out together. I trust that my baby uses the tools he has to communicate his needs. Being responsive and emotionally available has translated into a very happy, curious baby who knows he is safe to explore the world. And I am right beside him, cheering him on.

In the tougher moments, I watch him become dysregulated — and on these days, he doesn’t always know what he needs. Based on patterns, I do. I help regulate his nervous system, and in this way, he learns that safety is found both within him and around him. By co-regulating, I lend him my regulation until he builds his own.

I’ve come to see predictability as a huge part of this. My consistent, predictable responses create a safe container in which we are both free to be ourselves. A frustrated child is met with empathy and compassion — just as he is when he is sleepy, tired, hungry, or excited. I look to him to guide me. He is the teacher of my parenting style.

So much of my trauma-informed meditation and personal practices inform how I show up as a mother. When I am regulated, present, and grounded, my baby feels it. There is no real separation between the two. I practice every day not just for myself, but so my child benefits from a fully present, emotionally available mother.

When our bodies are under constant stress, we often live on autopilot — moving and doing without truly being present. Living in that state of high alert for too long can lead to anxiety, depression, and physical health issues. But there is another way. In the present moment, we return to ourselves and to life.

This is why staying present is not only wonderful, but essential. I learned to feel my son’s communication by first learning to feel myself. It’s easy to become overwhelmed or reactive, but doing things through force or panic helps neither the child nor the parent. The real work is in quiet listening — being open to learning your child, and learning yourself at the same time.

When I learned I was pregnant, I knew I wanted to support internal safety. I cannot teach safety through instruction, but through being accurately and wholly felt by another nervous system. I see myself as a safe container with predictable responses, so that my son can move confidently through the world and let life unfold without fear.

And I realize now — the same principles that heal adults are how humans are meant to develop in the first place. Whether one is 8 months old or 48 years old, the most basic human need is safety. Don’t we all just want to feel safe and okay?

I believe safety is first given to us through relationship. And if your early experiences were different, you may not have received it in the way you needed. It must first live within us before we can offer it to another. That is why I worked on myself before having him — and why I continue to return to myself every day, so that safety is not something I try to teach him, but something he can feel through me.